This one came to me after a week’s holiday in Spain…
Lobbying for the Merchants of Death
By Jason Gibbs
“Thank you for smoking. Loved that film.”
“Film?”
“Old 2D movie, probably way before your time… anyway there’s this great scene where Aaron Eckhart’s character, who represents the tobacco companies, is explaining how his product kills more people than alcohol and guns.”
“Tobacco?”
“Yeah, you know smoking it? Seriously do they teach you nothing in school these days?”
“Um, yes, I see here it used to cause millions of deaths a year.”
“Yes.”
“More than your clients.”
“Exactly my point, exactly.”
“So it was banned, and alternatives found and now far fewer people die from it?”
“No, no, that’s the opposite lesson. Tobacco was rehabilitated, it’s used in all sorts of things now, paper, a lot of medicines. Tobacco production has grown for the last decade, even while smoking has been consigned to the wilderness of history.”
“Um, so your clients. You think they can be rehabilitated?”
“Of course. But first we need to stop painting them as evil. They do what they do, we just need to find a way of making it less, deadly.”
“But you admit they’ve killed a lot of people?”
“Billions according to some estimates.”
“So…”
“Does that justify wiping them from the planet? No. Are they an existential threat to us? Definitely not. They kill far fewer than they used to, and I think with a little research we can bring that number down to zero. I really do.”
“That requires investment.”
“Yes, and for us to stop this massacre. Do you know what the death toll related to the current programme is?”
“Human?”
“So species centric. Yes, human.”
“No, I thought…”
“Three thousand. So far. Accidents, chemical poisoning etc. That’s more than my clients killed last year and the year before put together.”
“OK, but…”
“But nothing. We stop the massacre, we put resources into finding a prophylactic. Everybody’s happy, the world is a better place.”
“And you have to find new clients?”
“There’s always more clients. And if I win this… well, the sky’s no longer a limit.”
“Who’s paying you?”
“First good question you’ve asked. There’s a lot people. They don’t necessarily agree with my clients, but they think their destruction is unwarranted. Something like, I don’t agree with what you do, but I will give my life to defend your right to do so…”
“Sartre?”
“Apparently not.”
“Ouch. What is that?”
“Might be a bite. If it is, you might want to stop scratching it.”
“Wait, are you telling me some of your clients are in here?”
“Of course. Couldn’t probably represent them if they weren’t here now could I?”
“And one of them bit me?”
“May have, no proof…”
“Um, do they carry malaria?”
“We have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy on that.”